As soon as I get my stuff and money back, it will be over forever and I can't wait for that day. I just want to be done. I feel like I want to do something really dramatic. Getting a new piercing and tattoo very soon is not enough. I don't want to cut or dye my hair, I like it how it is. I guess the only thing I can do is to forget it all and chalk it up to a bunch of little lessons learned and a new found self awareness (well not that new).
I was invited to go to LA the weekend after next and I think a vacation will help. Getting a new job and starting school will all keep me busy and make time go faster. I can't wait for the day that I just don't even think about this at all.
I still have so many bubbling emotions. I'm angry and I want to hurt him but at the same time I don't want to hurt him. It seems he hurts himself enough as it is, making things up in his mind and being a victim of the whole world. I really hope that one day he will open his eyes to this complex he has, for himself and others around him. 2 seconds ago I just said I wanted to hurt him, it would really hurt me inside to see him hurt. I just want him to be ok. Even though I guess I didn't do anything, I still feel so guilty. Always, not as much but little things here and there.
The stupid money issue is weighing on my shoulders and I think that's why this thinking is an everyday occurence. I think when I cut all my ties to him (get my stuff back, fix the money issue), my mental health will get a lot better. I hid away all things that remind me of him because when I look at them I feel like I'm going to puke.
Little things he's said get to me sometimes. Like the whole thing about me being in Wisconsin and betraying him and how I'm not living in the real world. Who is he to say what the real world is though? He can't even face it.
It makes me cry and really sad thinking about who I was in the begginning of this relationship. I was so in love and willing to bend backwards and overlook all the times I found him talking to a new girl, I would get over it. For a little while he would talk it out with me but as soon as he saw that I was still upset and nothing he said was getting through he would have a fit and get so angry at me, making me even more upset. I don't know why I put up with it and the whole 2 years I thought I was so special to him. I wasn't. I was no one.
The thing that really gets to me is how can someone who can be so thoughtful, loving, caring, sweet be soo hurtful and crazy. I know it wasn't fake when he would be nice, I know it wasn't. I know it was genuine, I would have been able to tell if it wasn't. It was like he was bipolar. He was Jekkyl and Hide for sure. Which is so sad, because I will miss all those good times, but I guess the good thing is that right now I am so hurt/sad/angry that I don't even think about those good memories. All I see or hear is those hurtful words. I don't want to look back. I want all the good memories to fade, I want to forget them forever. They mean nothing, absolutely nothing. Yet they still haunt me.