I'm more of a fall kinda gal, and I just completely purged my closet and feel I have nothing left.

What are some must have pieces for spring/summer? Besides dresses, obviously.

I'm talking more basic stuff.

I'm clueless. Any help would be fab. Thx muchly!

I haven't been updating much because I made a blog instead at blogger.com. I like it better, so if you are interested let me know and I can send you the link :)
I probably wont be on here as much! Take care girls/guys!

Another holdiay ruined, thanks to him. Or, thanks to me being an idiot and welcoming him back into my life. For 2 straight weeks, I was doing terrific. I wasn't sad at all, I was getting progressively happier and happier without him in my life. I drop a present off at his house for his cousin the night before Christmas Eve. He gives me presents he had been collecting for me. I do the same. I weaken, tears are flowing. I did not want to get emotional in front of him. I wanted to drop the gift off and leave. He hugs me and talks to me and makes me sit and calm down. I do. We talk. He invites me back Christmas Eve. So I go back. I could have spent the night watching movies with my dad, but I went to him instead. We had a good night, we had a bunch of good nights up until now. I went to a stupid family thing with him, weve been fine. Not talking but fine. Now I remember how fucking selfish he is and the way he talks to me when I tell him how I feel or if I'm disappointed about something. Why do I repeatedly go back to him? Now I'm sitting here on New Years Eve wishing my life was anything but what it is right now. He's downstairs talking to my dad, drinking. We had plans to go back to Wisconsin but my dad has been trying to talk me out of it because of the weather. I asked him to come here, he said he didn't want to spend NYE at my dad's house, but came anyways.
It made me feel like shit. I feel like I'm his last resort. He made me feel horrible. He didn't sound excited to be with me on this holiday, I didn't get to dress up or be with someone who actually wanted and appreciated being with me. Instead I'm stuck here. I just want to leave and go home to Wisconsin but the weather here sucks so I'm stuck with him. I really think my one and most important New Years resolution for 2008 is to kick this fucking old and disgusting habit. Please give me strength to do so. Maybe a little bit of confidence and up my levels of self esteem that he continually seems to drain. Hopefully I can do it this year. I'm wasting my life and 3 years so far. Happy New Years~

I hate this feeling. I've been so sad today. I can't even describe how I'm feeling. It's so hard to put into words, but even I'm getting sick of me, no wonder my friends have been distant. I'm just always so sad. Though positive. I don't know. Everyones getting new girlfriends/boyfriends and would rather hang out with them then me.

God, I'm so whiny right now.

I hate him so much for doing this to me. I really will never understand. I want to cry but I'm holding the tears back because I don't want my mom to worry. I don't want to be this way anymore. I really don't. I feel so pathetic. Nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to hang out with. I don't know who I'm turning into. I sit here and wait to hear from him.

What can I do. And the people I usually go to, I can't

All I have is myself and I'm going to have to learn to depend on myself to get through this.

Today is unusually sucky.

I finally came to the realization that Brad will never ever admit that he is wrong.
He will never change. I have to move on.

I finally feel that I may be strong enough to do it, I hope. Not go back.

These past 2 months have been a fantasy. I try to convince myself that it will all be ok, when it wont. I knew deep down that it wouldn't but I missed him so much it hurt. I don't want to cry anymore, I really really don't. It gives me headaches, plus these tears really are meant for something that really deserves them.

He broke my heart. And I yearn for some kind of comfort. The kind of comfort you get sitting curled up in a ball on a comfy chair, while the tears roll down. That is the only comfort I have right now and to be honest that is the only comfort I've had in the past 2 years and some change of being with Brad. He never comforted me when things got hard. Tears never fazed him.

I just feel so sick. All I see is a long road ahead of me, all with memories of him popping up everywhere, blocking me and bugging me and holding me back from anything worthwhile.

Yet my heart feels that the only thing worthwhile is him. Him when he's the Brad that I love, which is most of the damn time.

This hurts so much. I wish he could feel this. Maybe then he would finally stop acting so stupid and know that I'm always right.

I don't want any hope to be in my heart or anywhere. I know it's false. I know it just causes pain and more tears. Go away, hope. Go away.

Woman is the nigger of the world
Yes she is...think about it
Woman is the nigger of the world
Think about it...do something about it


We make her paint her face and dance
If she won't be a slave, we say that she don't love us
If she's real, we say she's trying to be a man
While putting her down, we pretend that she's above us


Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't believe me, take a look at the one you're with
Woman is the slave of the slaves
Ah, yeah...better scream about it


We make her bear and raise our children
And then we leave her flat for being a fat old mother hen
We tell her home is the only place she should be
Then we complain that she's too unworldly to be our friend


Woman is the nigger of the world...yes she is
If you don't believe me, take a look at the one you're with
Woman is the slave to the slaves
Yeah...alright...hit it!


We insult her every day on TV
And wonder why she has no guts or confidence
When she's young we kill her will to be free
While telling her not to be so smart we put her down for being so dumb


Woman is the nigger of the world
Yes she is...if you don't believe me, take a look at the one you're with
Woman is the slave to the slaves
Yes she is...if you believe me, you better scream about it


We make her paint her face and dance
We make her paint her face and dance
We make her paint her face and dance
We make her paint her face and dance
We make her paint her face and dance
We make her paint her face and dance

I just stretched for about 10 min and even in that short period of time, I felt so in tune with my body. Unreal. Like, all week I go about sleeping, getting ready, walking to my car, going to school, going online. Who'd a thought that ten minutes could make such a difference in my mindset? I wish I could stretch 24/7. It's like a natural high. Is there a job I can get where I stretch all day? Like teaching Yoga or something. I'm totally looking into it.

I just never have time for meditation, stretching, exercising, yoga, writing my thoughts out, being creative. I've been so busy, yet I do have a lot of time but I always spend it on the computer. Computers are such a waste of life, I need to really monitor the time I spend on it.

I would much rather be doing all the things listed above. So I'm going to. I want to relax and chill and go with the flow, as cheesy as that sounds. I haven't even had time to read up on buddhism and tantra, which made me so at ease learning about it.

I'm so done getting hung up on myspace or yahoo and aim and caring what people think. I can do what I want and I'm going to. I'm doing good in school and I love it.

And I'm back with Brad.

kbyeeee

Today's Quote

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

-Suzanne Somers

Don't strain. Don't force anything or make grand, exaggerated efforts. Meditation is not aggressive. There is no place or need for violent striving. Just let your effort be relaxed and steady.

-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.

-Benjamin Franklin


Today's Quote

The fly cannot be driven away by getting angry at it.

-African proverb

All things are free-flowing, untrammeled—what bondage is there, what entanglement? You create your own difficulty and ease therein. The mind source pervades the ten directions with one continuity; those of the most excellent faculties understand naturally.

-Tzu-hu

I am so freaking aggravated with people at the moment. Flakey people who can't make up their freakin minds, people who are noncommittal and then the other random people who annoyingly message me on myspace in a stalker like fashion because they know I am now single. Another thing that annoys me is when people call me, sit on the phone quietly, the only things they say are complaints about this and that and just really unattractive things like how they are in debt or how they have been getting trashed every single day. Nice. I don't care!

I don't. I really really don't.

Then the messages on myspace, getting 30 messages a day from one person on myspace is just fucking annoying. It's not special, it's not cute, it's deeply disturbing and fucking unattractive. No I will never date you, I don't even want to hang out with you! Ever. End of story.

I don't know, I'm aware that I sound increasingly hateful, mean and downright rude, but really I'm not. I can care less. I don't hate, I don't even think about them aside from annoying messages/phone calls/voicemails/what have you.

I don't understand it. Is it me growing into a better person or a less tolerant/worse person? Is everyone around me becoming lame or is it me? I'm pretty sure it's not me. Everyone I've been really close to in the past few years have slowly faded out of my life and I have to admit, I don't miss any of them. Not one. Sure, I miss the having lots of friends and places to go and things to do, but how often then not were those places, things and people actually fun? Um, hardly ever.

Maybe it's because I've just gotten out of a fucked up relationship, all my negative thoughts and emotions are amplified, but I don't care. I need to rant/vent. I'm less tolerant of this irresponsibility that people have about their own actions/choices. Yes, including me, which is why I'm going to school, getting a job and making the choice to live in Wisconsin and going through the long, annoying, inconvenient loveliness of a reckless relationship.

I did it, why can't everyone else? Why can't everyone take a good long look at themselves. I think people are just scared. I know I was, so I guess I shouldn't judge or be mad at people for it. Whatev, it's still super annoying.

Not like I'm some perfect person.

Anyways, I don't know what I am talking about and I am aware that the last few entires have been super negative, oh well.

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either.

-Golda Meir

As soon as I get my stuff and money back, it will be over forever and I can't wait for that day. I just want to be done. I feel like I want to do something really dramatic. Getting a new piercing and tattoo very soon is not enough. I don't want to cut or dye my hair, I like it how it is. I guess the only thing I can do is to forget it all and chalk it up to a bunch of little lessons learned and a new found self awareness (well not that new).
I was invited to go to LA the weekend after next and I think a vacation will help. Getting a new job and starting school will all keep me busy and make time go faster. I can't wait for the day that I just don't even think about this at all.
I still have so many bubbling emotions. I'm angry and I want to hurt him but at the same time I don't want to hurt him. It seems he hurts himself enough as it is, making things up in his mind and being a victim of the whole world. I really hope that one day he will open his eyes to this complex he has, for himself and others around him. 2 seconds ago I just said I wanted to hurt him, it would really hurt me inside to see him hurt. I just want him to be ok. Even though I guess I didn't do anything, I still feel so guilty. Always, not as much but little things here and there.
The stupid money issue is weighing on my shoulders and I think that's why this thinking is an everyday occurence. I think when I cut all my ties to him (get my stuff back, fix the money issue), my mental health will get a lot better. I hid away all things that remind me of him because when I look at them I feel like I'm going to puke.
Little things he's said get to me sometimes. Like the whole thing about me being in Wisconsin and betraying him and how I'm not living in the real world. Who is he to say what the real world is though? He can't even face it.
It makes me cry and really sad thinking about who I was in the begginning of this relationship. I was so in love and willing to bend backwards and overlook all the times I found him talking to a new girl, I would get over it. For a little while he would talk it out with me but as soon as he saw that I was still upset and nothing he said was getting through he would have a fit and get so angry at me, making me even more upset. I don't know why I put up with it and the whole 2 years I thought I was so special to him. I wasn't. I was no one.
The thing that really gets to me is how can someone who can be so thoughtful, loving, caring, sweet be soo hurtful and crazy. I know it wasn't fake when he would be nice, I know it wasn't. I know it was genuine, I would have been able to tell if it wasn't. It was like he was bipolar. He was Jekkyl and Hide for sure. Which is so sad, because I will miss all those good times, but I guess the good thing is that right now I am so hurt/sad/angry that I don't even think about those good memories. All I see or hear is those hurtful words. I don't want to look back. I want all the good memories to fade, I want to forget them forever. They mean nothing, absolutely nothing. Yet they still haunt me.

Focus,
not on the rudenesses of others,
not on what they've done
or left undone,
but on what you
have & haven't done
yourself.

Today's Quote

There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.

-Elie Wiesel

So I'm sitting here drinking a Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss bier, which is very good by the way. Friday night. Nothing to do. Oh wait, I do have something to do. I agreed to babysit 4 kids for 3 or so hours. Exciting, eh?

I really wish I knew people around here. I know that I will never meet people chilling around the house all day. And even if I do meet people, what kind of people will they be.

I admit, I answered a STRICTLY PLATONIC ad on Craigslist. How desperate am I? Dude was looking for someone to be "friends" with and for someone to ride around with on his crotch rocket, which is something I've always wanted to do. lol.
So he sent me a pic and he looked decent but again, it doesn't matter since it would be STRICTLY PLATONIC, damnit. So I sent him one too, he NEEDED it. He said I was attractive, not that it matters. Yada, yada, yada. He was being a bit flirty, but who cares. We agreed to meet. He looked way different then the pic, not that it matters rememeber? He was so noncommital about plans that I was so turned off I just left and didn't answer his calls/IMS/text messages. He was also hinting to dating me, which was really lame. DO not post in the strictly platonic section if you are looking for romance. DUH.

Never again.

So now I'm kinda turned off from meeting new people. And I'm also regretting the situation with B because if I hadn't (wait what did I do exactly??)......

If I hadn't happened I would be in my comfort zone with him right now and I'd be happy at least, temporarily.

Today's Quote

Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not.

-Oprah Winfrey

Someone buy me this:

http://sfactor.com/mmc/P001.asp

So he just left here for the weekend and I miss him already. I was CRYING because I didn't want him to leave. Not little tears but borderline sobbing.


I'm so confused.